Being Alice
by IWishICouldBeLoric
Summary: My name is Alice Lawrence. Translation: mother-f****** goddess of all things awesome. What if the war never happened? The Nine of them live on Lorien, and add in a few crazy friends, a boarding school, a demented boyfriend and a crazy Physics teacher and you've got yourself a blooming party.
1. The First One

My name is Alice Lawrence. Translation? The mother-fucking goddess of all things awesome.

Yeah. That's just how awesome I am.

Pretty fucking awesome, in case you failed to notice.

So, being the perverted loser that you are, you'll be wanting the details of my (awesome) life. I'm brunette, short, with annoying pores that won't stop raging war with my hormones. Oh, yeah, and I live on Lorien.

Yeah, you little piece of shit, I'm an alien.

But a relatively normal alien, at that. If only the same could be said for my friends..

My besties are the GIRLS-ONLY CLUB (don't look at me like that, we were 12), consisting of me, Marina and Six.

Marina is shy, bookish, but when you get to know her, she's a little devil. Don't tell her I said that, she'd hit me on the head with her textbook. Again. And she's dating a guy called Richard. I don't want to talk about him now, he makes me feel sick.

Six is absolutely badass and completely insane, but we love her anyway. Six is also, really not good for an ego boost, being the sexy piece of ass that she is. Unfortunately, being the sexy piece of ass that she is, she's has a string of boyfriends who just snog her face of, then ditch her two days later. So then it's up to me and the boys to beat them up.

Which is always fun.

So that brings me to the boys themselves.

Our other best friends are THE BAD-ASS BOYZ. (I wish I could say they were only 12 too...)

John, is the most normal member of our group, yet still manages to be a unstable mental case.

Eight, is the most random, crazy, downright stupid person ever, with a huge weakness for jelly beans. But, hey, we love him.

Nine.. Well, I'm am Nine's Benefitted Friend. (Yes people, caps every time.) Which basically means we snog, no feelings attached. Not that I have any problem with that. Shh, don't tell Jacob. My boyfriend. Awkward. But, as I have said many times before, THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON WITH ME AND NINE!

Yeah, it really pisses me off when people ask that.

Well that is my crazy friendship group, with is made even crazier by the fact we all go to a boarding school far out of the Capital. And, before you ask, no it's not Hogwarts. And by the fact that most of my friends are going to grow up to rule the planet, (that too) and I'm going to have to put up with Nine calling me his lowly subject.

Yeah he did that once. Result? Two black eyes and a broken wrist.

Eight yanks me out if my daydreams by lobbing a chunk of chicken at me.

Lovely. Really.

"Aliiccceeeeee!" I roll my eyes. "Nine wants to talk to you!" I turn to Nine.

"Help with Math homework?" He pouts. I shake my head, but he widens his eyes, and I know I'm fighting a losing battle.

"Not the puppy dog eyes!" I plead. He ignores me, and turns on the charm. Well, how could I say no to that?

I pulled out my homework and shove it at him.

"Copy that." I grumble.

"Meet me in the spare physic class at 10:30." He winks and I grin.

Nine goes back to his food. Boys.

"Did not need to know that." Eights mumbles, with a mouthful of roast potatoes, therefore spraying me with the contents of his mouth.

Charming.

"Eight, it's not like you don't have a line of whores just queuing up to kiss your ass. Well not literally. I hope. That would be gross. Ewwww, disturbing mental imagery. But metaphorically speaking. Anyways, there a load of bimbos out there that you snog on a daily basis. I mean really, have they started a fan club yet? And come to think of it-"

"Eiiggghhhtttyyyy!" A blonde bint approaches us, wrapping her arms around Eights neck. Did I mention that Eight already has his arm around another girl?

Honestly, these people have no pride.

"Honestly, these people have no pride." What, you think I was going to think of an insult and not say it?

I'm weird. My friends have a really bad influence on poor innocent me. Me. Innocence. Snort. I do make myself laugh.

Eight just winked at me, and went back to sucking face with the airhead, who I know for a fact would not be there if he wasn't a future Elder.

Come to think, if that's the future of our planet, I might as well just shoot myself now.

I hate the stupid wall. Don't ask me why, I just do. Bloody wall. Everything shit thing that happens in my life, I'm blaming it on the wall.

I give it a kick. That makes me feel better.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you are sitting by yourself having conversation with yourself about committing wall abuse.

So I'm sitting here glaring at it while Mar and that man whore Richard make out.

In OUR dorm. Not his dorm, OUR dorm. Take that, Ricky.

I guess the time has come for me to tell you about him. But your going to be the one holding my hair back if I start vomiting.

Where do I start? He's hot, even I can't deny that. He's also Mar undeserving boyfriend, who cheats on her countless times, and has even tried to cop a feel off Six.

Then he begged her not to spilt the beans to Mar. One broken arm later, he gave up, and resigned to have to listen to one of Mars screaming fits.

But when Six told her, she simple refused to believe her. Her best friend. She had said Six was just jealous.

I mean, this is why I refuse to fall in love, it screws with your feelings more than hormones and puberty, and makes you to blind to see your own hand in front of your face.

So why do you have a boyfriend? I hear you cry. Because I'm to much of a softie to shatter his fucking heart, and render him useless to do anything but live with a load of Chimera in cat form, and then I would have to jump of a building in grief for-

I've been hanging around Eight too much, haven't I?

**A/N: Okay, well that was a really short chapter, but I didn't have time to do much. So do you like this? Because I thought that LL fanfiction doesn't have enough humor and randomness. Anyway, I'm taking a break from writing for a bit, writers block. So please review and tell me what you think. :)**


	2. The One after the First One

**A/N: Just to clarify this is where they live on Lorien and the war never happened. Alice is not a number, but a normal Loric. They are still future Elders.**

"Merlin, Maths stresses me out so much." I moaned, dropping into the seat next to James and reaching for the plate of broccoli. Yes, it has officially happened, you have found someone that actually likes broccoli.

"What happened?" Eight asked through a mouthful of sausage, and I got sprayed with all the lovely crumbs and spit that came flying out his gob. Aren't I just the luckiest ducky in the whole wide world?

"Stupid Mr Kane." I put on a high voice. "Now Miss Lawrence, you have IGCSE's at the end of this year, you should be able to do algebraic equations. In what situation would I ever, ever possibly want to be algebra? Stupid Maths."

Nine and Eight blinked at me for a moment.

"Well, you've got your knickers in a twist." Eight said mildly, and I scowled at him.

Stupid - little - fucking - imbecile. My knickers are going to be twisted around his neck in a minute, suffocating him to death.

"Come on Alice, it was only a lesson." Nine said. Do you know what I really hate about my name? I mean, I like it most of the time, but it annoys the shit out of me at the same time. You can only shorten it to Al, which is awful.

That just makes me sound like a guy.

"Looks like you need to unwind later." Nine murmured in my ear, the second Eight and John were busy eating their dinners again. Marina was off with Richard – insert boiling blood and furious glaring at innocent 11 year olds – and Six was hunting down some guy. Poor bloke.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, looking sideways at him and watching the grin unfurl on his face.

"I think you know." He smirked, and I had to hide a smirk of my own. "Empty Physics room on the third floor, midnight." He bit my ear lightly and then leaned away, back towards his own dinner.

I looked up a second later and saw John staring at the pair of us. His eyebrows were raised so high they were almost disappearing into his blonde fringe, and his mouth was hanging open slightly.

"Dude, did you just bite Alice's ear?" Nine's head shot up to stare at his best mate, a pink flush appearing on his tanned face. Eight also looked up, but his face was free from any pink tinge.

"No. Why the fuck would I bite Alice's ear?" Nine asked, and his voice was so convincing I couldn't blame John for shrugging and looking back down at his dinner. That bloke should be a lawyer or something; he is that skilled at lying. Or a politician.

"Please Alice." Insert widened puppy dog eyes and a slightly pouting lower lip from none other than Number Eight. "Please, you did it last time." I rolled my eyes and kept my eyes down on the homework. Eight leaned over the table and put his head down on my paper.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease Alice." And here comes the second round of pouting and extreme eyelash batting.

"Eight, just because I broke up with your girlfriend last time does not mean that I am going to do it every time you get sick of your latest whore." What? The boy needs to hear the good and honest truth. And I'm still pissed off about Maths this morning.

"I know Alice, please, just this one." And here comes some more eyelash batting.

"Fine, I'll break up with whatsherface for you, on one condition." Eight looked relieved and his face broke out into an enormous grin. I should probably take a moment to explain the whole thing with my friend.

Well, Eight is what my mother likes to call a player. Yes, it is mentally scarring to hear someone over the age of twenty five saying that, I know. He dates girls like they're going out of fashion, but he has this thing where he absolutely hates breaking up with them. I have broken up with every single girlfriend he's ever had.

Let's just say I'm a bit of an expert at it by this point, and I'm extremely popular with my cousin's ex girlfriends. They all think I'm some kind of goddess, since I'm always there with a box of tissues and a bucket of ice cream.

Honestly, between Eight's exes, and Marina when Richard has one of his funny turns, I might as well become an official agony aunt. At least then I'll get paid for having my ear chewed off about twelve times a week.

"Whatever it is, I'll do it. This one looks like she might be a crier." Introducing Eight, ladies and gentlemen, the most sympathetic and emotional bloke on the face of the planet.

"You have to tell Marina that you like her."

...well, this is awkward.

"Pfft, pfft...wha-what gave you the impression that I like Maina?" He said, and the way he said her name made it sound like it was the last thing he would ever do.

"Because you do like Marina." Yeah, I just blew that shit wide open.

You can all bow to me now.

"No I don't. She has a boyfriend. Anyway, thanks for breaking up with her for me, and I'll see you at dinner."

Eight leaned across the table, pecked me on the cheek and hightailed it out of the Library. I stood up and called after him, but the charming little bugger ignored me.

"Wait! Eight, what's her...name?" I sat back down and slammed my head into my hands. Why is my life such a pathetic failure?

"He's...he's breaking up with me?" Random blonde chick said, shaking her – very obviously dyed – hair out of her eyes and blinking up at me. Woah, she wears way too much mascara. I'm surprised she can even lift her eyelids up.

"Yes. Eight just thinks that he's not ready for a relationship with someone as amazing as you. He just thinks that you can find someone better." And if you believe that, you're actually as dim as you look.

And this would be the point where I hand over the box of tissues, pat her on the back and offer her a comforting 'don't worry; we'll get through this' smile. As you can see, I have done this far too many times.

"Thank goodness you're here Alice. I don't think I could have gone through this alone." Right, let me get this straight, you've been dating Eight for three days, and you think that you're going to have to get over him?

These people really need to get lives.

"Eight doesn't deserve you, honey. Now you can move onto bigger and better things, you can date people who will take you to Hogsmeade and hold your hand in public. Just imagine that!" Random blonde chick blinked up and me and shot me a wavering smile.

"Yeah, I guess." She sniffled. Lord save me. "I've been on the waiting list for nine months though; I've been waiting so long for this. And it's only been three days." She threw her head down onto my shoulder and sobbed unrestrainedly.

"What waiting list?" I asked. Nobody had ever mentioned anything to be about a waiting list before.

"Yeah." She said, blowing her nose like trumpet and looking up at me. "You know, the waiting list to become Eights's girlfriend."

"He has a waiting list for people to become his girlfriend?" I said, struggling to keep the horror out of my voice. That boy really is a grade A arse.

Yeah, it's pinned up on the board in every Common Room, have you never seen it? Oh wait, Eight said that he got some Year Sevens to cover it up if any of his friends came near. Oh shit! He told us never to tell you about it." She looked at me with her panda eyes and a very worried expression on her face.

"No, no...it's alright." I said vaguely, patting her on the head and absent mindedly handing her the bucket of ice cream. "Just get stuck into that, it will make you feel better."

He has a waiting list of girls to become his girlfriend? And this would be right around where I lose my faith in humanity.

"You are an arse." I informed Eight, after storming along the dining table and throwing myself down into the seat opposite him.

"What'd I do this time?" He asked, spraying me with roast potato. Marvellous, that's the second time in one day Eight has sprayed his half digested food all over me. That is right about when you realise that there is something really wrong with your life.

"You have a fucking waiting list for girls to date you?!" Eight's head shot up. "That is just so demeaning, and sexist, and do really think that you're so bloody awesome people will actually get in a queue to date you? That's just –"

"Um, Alive, honey. People do get in a queue to date me." He quailed under my furious glare. "I mean, um, yeah...how did you find out anyway?" I growled and clapped him over the back of the head.

"You're such an arrogant arse." He smiled at me. Marvellous.

"You have a waiting list of girls that you're going to date?" A quiet voice said from next to Al. All three of us froze, which would have been rather comical if we weren't in the situation we were in. Our heads swivelled as one to stare at the hurt face of Marina.

"Well, um-" Eight said, rubbing the back of his head and looking incredibly uncomfortable.

"That's so, so..." Her voice trailed off as she tried to search for a bad enough word.

Trust me honey, I've spend the whole walk down to dinner trying to think of one, it's not as easy as it sounds.

"Demeaning? Sexist? Stupid?" I suggested.

"You." She finished, but the way she said left no one in any doubt that it was meant as an 's face fell, and I started to feel a little sorry for him. He may be an arrogant prick, but he is my friend and I do love him.

And with that, Marina clambered off the bench and stalked out of the hall, her brown hair rippling down her back behind her.

Eight slammed his head to the table.

"But I thought you didn't like her?" I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "But then, why do you look so upset that she realises what a prick you can be?" My voice was lofty and innocent, and earned me the 'shut it now or I will kill you' glare from Eight.

Our love, right there. Try not to be too jealous.

"I don't like Marina." He said. Honestly, the boy has more denial issues that bloody Joanne Ledger, who actually spent last year walking around in the same leather look leggings she had owned in Year 8. And her arse is not the smallest. I think she may have rendered a couple of poor younger kids in desperate need of serious therapy.

"Hang on, dude, do you like Rosie?" John voice said, and his expression was screwed up in concentration. Alright, I love the bloke and all, but he really can be extraordinarily dim.

"No."

"Yes."

"NO."

"YES."

Eight and I have such mature and original arguments.

"NOOO!"

"YESSS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"How on earth do you have a list of girls that want to date you?"

"Shut it, bitch. Just because people actually want to snog me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you don't snog anyone, it means there is less people for me to beat up, but there is no need for you to be a hater."

I froze and glared at him as poisonously as I could.

"Where did you get the impression that I don't snog people?" I asked tightly, and Eight's face twisted for a moment. His eyes glimmered in anger, and John discreetly took his knife from next to his plate.

"You have not been snogging people." He said firmly. Honestly, I'm six months older than him and he still treats me like I'm five years old.

The BAD-ASS BOYZ and the rest of THE GIRLS-ONLY CLUB– alright, shut it. Their names are too long to list off individually – dropped down next to us, took in Eight's furious expression and my annoyed one, and then looked slightly worried.

"What's going on?" Nine asked.

"My dear friend here is under the impression that I live my life as a nun." I said, and Eight glared at me.

"Alice is under the impression that I have granted her permission to snog people." He shot back, and my eyes narrowed into green slits.

"What? Who has she been snogging?" Six asked. I curse her to the deepest and most foul smelling pits of Hell in the hopes that she will rot there for the rest of eternity. I'm such a cheerful and just all around optimistic person, don't you agree?

"Yeah, that's a fucking good question. Who have you been snogging?" I hate a Eight. He is so protective of us girls.

"None of your business." I shot back. I am the epitome of maturity. All I need now is to stick my tongue out and waggle my fingers in front of my nose and I can officially pass for a three year old in a sixteen year olds body.

"Hang on, so you tell me that you go around snogging random blokes, and I know that they're not your boyfriend because they are not in Hospital Wing with a broken face, and now you won't tell me who you are snogging?"

"Yes."

"Does it really matter? Honestly, it's not like Alice is knocked up or anything. Did you really think that she'd gone her whole life without snogging anyone?" Thank you Nine. Surely even Eight wouldn't be dim enough to think that.

"Yes." I stand corrected.

"You're so bleeding annoying. You've actually made a list of people that you're going to date, and I think we all know what your relationships consist of, since you've never taken any of them on a date, but when you find out that I haven't been living in a hole wearing a veil and praying my whole life, you think it's wrong? How is that fair Eighy?" My voice was furious. Today has been TOO – BLOODY – STRESSFUL.

"You're my baby fwiend. You're not supposed to snog anyone!" Eight stood up at the same time I did.

"BABY FRIEND? I'M OLDER THAN YOU, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!" I have a tendency to get angry rather quickly, I don't know if you've noticed.

"Yeah, well, I know better than you, so I'm mentally older."

"I don't know about mentally older, how about just mental? And in what world do you know better than me? You bleeding fancy the pants off Mar, but are either too thick to realise it or too stupid to admit it. I think in either case, it's quite obvious I know better than you."

Yeah, Eight and I tend to fight a lot. But we love each other deep down. Ahem. Way, way deep down.

"I do not fancy Marina." He hissed, shooting an anxious glance at Marina, who looked confused.

"Denial." I sang, and he scowled.

He opened his mouth to retort when a muffled sobbing noise distracted the pair of us. We all whirled around to stare at Marina, who was sobbing into her arms, her head lying down on the table. Six shot me a panic stricken glance.

"Mar, honey, what's the matter?" I asked.

Marina froze and looked up, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Her eyes were red and puffy; her lips red from where she had been biting them and a thin line of black down each cheek where her makeup had ran.

I am going to murder Richard.

He's no good for my best friend. She deserves so much better.

"Not again, Mar?" Six eventually said, and Marina nodded, her eyes streaming.

The glass in Eight's hand smashed as he closed his fingers around it too hard.

We both sat back down. And to think we'd been arguing about who was 'mentally older' and whether or not I had a right to snog people – I do, just saying.

"Ice cream?" I said eventually, and both Marina and Six's heads shot up.

"Thought you'd never ask." She chuckled weakly.

"TO THE KITCHENS!" Six yelled. Yes, she is a bit strange. We pretend not to notice.

I glanced at Six's bed, then Marina's, then the other two snoring lumps that I like to call dorm mates that were sleeping in the corner, before sneaking out the room and down the staircase. I've made careful effort this time to make sure that I'm not late.

I really hope he is. I will go apeshit on his arse.

Damn, he's sitting on the couch. Ah well, you can't have everything in life.

I headed across the room and dropped onto his knee, putting one of my legs on either side of his, my nose practically touching his. He blinked a couple of times in shock and then grinned.

"This has officially been world's most stressful day." I moaned to Nine, and whilst he nodded sympathetically, he seemed a little more interested in staring at my mouth.

"Sweetheart, if I wanted to talk about it, I would make you my girlfriend." Number Nine, King of the Charmers. Yeah, right.

"Well, maybe I want to talk for once." I said indignantly. I'm not a bleeding hooker; I don't bloody snog on command.

He put a hand on either side of my face and brought my mouth to his, tracing the outline of my lips with his tongue.

"Do you still want to talk?" He murmured, and I cursed myself for having hormones.

"Yeah?" I said, and Nine raised his eyebrows.

He then seemed to be struck with an idea, because his eyes lit up and a smirk twisted his face.

He ran a finger along my back and then around my waist, running it all the way up to the collar of my shirt.

He slowly undid the top button.

And it was right about now that I realised the little arse was doing to me. And yet, having absolutely zippo willpower when it came to Nine, I found myself not pushing him away.

Slowly, absolutely maddeningly slowly, he ran his fingers down to the next button.

It popped open.

Oh gawd, oh gawd.

"Now, you said you had a stressful day." Nine said as he pulled open another button.

He leaned down and gently kissed my collarbone.

"Yeah..." I breathed.

Another button.

"Is there any way I can help with that? But, you know, just talking."

Another button. I think I'm going insane.

"Um..." I'm so intelligent.

Nine slid the shirt off my shoulders and down my arms, tossing it a heap on the floor.

"So, what's been so hard about your da-" This would be the point where I slammed my chest against his and started snogging him senseless.

Nice to know I have complete control of myself.

I opened my mouth and the kiss deepened, my blood started pumping faster in my veins, my head started to spin, all thoughts of Marina and Eight and bleeding waiting lists, exams, Richard the prick and the waste of human flesh that he is fell out of my head, and I remembered why I enjoyed snogging Nine so much.

He's like my own little pick-me-up at the end of the day.

Nine's hands slid up my skirt and I pressed myself harder onto his now bare chest – when did he take his shirt off?

"God you're hot." He moaned.

"Shh..." I said against his mouth, nipping his bottom lip a couple of times.

Nine just shrugged and pulled me deeper into the snog.

**A/N: Whew. I was up nearly all night writing this, and it is possibly the longest thing I've ever wrote. I had actually done the first 1000 words for a few days ago, but for once I wanted to write a long chapter. Hope you enjoyed and whatever :)**


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